Dinner at the Medieval Times Restaurant

Well.  Now I know where all the Engineering kids go to work during their summers off in college.  Medieval Times and Game Stop.

So, it’s Saturday afternoon and the Steele kids are restless.  We still have eight weeks left of summer and I’m already counting down the number of days before they’re all back in school (57).  Maybe I wouldn’t be so anxious for them to go back if every day didn’t involve some sort of MMA cage fight in my living room coupled with hurling toys and unbearable screeching.

I don’t know.  That might be it.

This Saturday is no different.  Why would it be?  Time to figure out something to do.  And somehow the idea of taking the kids to eat at Medieval Times restaurant pops into my mind.   It’s been something they’ve wanted to do since moving to Texas and I decide to look into it because frankly…. there’s bound to be a blog in it.

I was not disappointed.

That’s right.  A giant castle restaurant.  Filled with all the people who aren’t already visiting the local Renaissance Festival.  Dressed in wench’s outfits or faux armor.   Speaking in old English.  Walking around drinking beer from steins and carrying swords.

It looked like a Dungeons and Dragons convention.  Gone bad.  Real bad.

Because I live in Texas and Texas women like to have big hair (the higher the hair, the closer to Jesus) and I don’t think they had Aquanet back in 1300 AD.  But these women somehow made it work.

You arrive to the restaurant/theater an hour prior to seating so that you can walk around and spend money on stupid shit.  Like $2 tickets to walk through the museum of torture.

“Can we go see that, Mom?”

“No.  No, we can not. ”

Because the last thing I need is for any of my children to get any more ideas.  Thanks to “Tom and Jerry” and Wile E. Coyote, they have plenty in stock.

We did however spend the money on a souvenir each.  Like a suit of armor kit for both Jack and Benjamin, a dagger fit for a midget i.e. Carter and a pink circle halo that rested on Addison’s head and flowed ribbon and lace down her back.  She probably would have benefited more from her own dagger but that’s neither here nor there.

All of us were given red paper crowns.  Because we’re supposed to root for the Red Knight.  The crowns looked like something from Burger King and not even Benjamin wanted to wear it.  Jack, our true dork, was all over it.


Finally we make our way into the area where we find our seats, thanks to the scantily clad bar wench, and we find ourselves seated near the King and Princess’ thrones.  Greeeeaaat.

The menu is set and there are no options.  You get a ladle of soup, a hunk of bread, a massive portion of chicken, a rib and whatever pastry they’ve made for the day.  No utensils.  Everything to be eaten by hand.  My kids find this to be the most delightful thing on Earth.  Because let’s face it.  They rarely use the ones offered to them and half the food ends up on the floor anyway.

For drinks we’re offered either Pepsi, coffee or something from the bar.  Makes it a little interesting for the children, doesn’t it?  We politely ask for water.  Carter’s trying to kick his espresso habit.

As I eat the greasy food and sip from the ridiculously flat, almost undrinkable Pepsi steins, I am absolutely mesmerized by the IMMENSE DORKINESS of all that is surrounding me.

From the actors who are taking the roles waaaaaay to seriously, to the grown men riding around on horses pretending to be knights with long flowing princess hair, to the bowing and nodding to the King, to the dramatic music blaring over the intercom.

Where the f*ck am I!!??  Who the f*ck signed us up for this??!!  Oh, wait…..

Jack was out of his mind with all of it.  He cheered like a madman every single time the Red Knight’s name was called.  Benjamin, forever confused, cheered whenever Jack cheered despite having any clue as to what was going on.  Addison and Carter just enjoyed the sword fighting.  Makes. Perfect. Sense.

The Red Knight didn’t win.  He came in second.  But second place to Jack is first place loser.

“Red isn’t my favorite color anymore.  I like blue now.”

“Uh, Jack.  You know it’s a different show every night.  They switch up who wins every time.”

“Wait.  That wasn’t real?”

Holy shit.

2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Monica Hairell on July 11, 2012 at 8:12 am

    Oh Jenny, how I’ve missed you! Thanks for the giggles this morning.


  2. Posted by Jill on July 11, 2012 at 8:28 am

    Great Story!!! Thanks for sharing your experience!


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