So Addison and Benjamin both came home with Mother’s Day crafts for me the Friday before my day. I have to share them with you because I find them not only to be delightful but hilarious.
Here is what Addison had to share….
Let’s break this down, shall we?
First of all, I am ten years old. Which is AWESOME because Jack is almost nine years old. I must have been one fertile toddler. It must have been a bitch learning to walk and carry a child at the same time. Secondly, what’s up with Addison saying that I have white hair? So what if I do? It’s her damn fault. Trust me, I didn’t have white hair before she was born. Thanks to her I have to stand in a towel every six to eight weeks dying my hair in the bathroom with L’Oreal’s dark mahogany #5. Not cool.
Oh, and Addison? I have blue eyes. Not brown. Blue. Like yours. But I don’t expect you to know that either since you never like to make direct eye contact with me as that means you are most likely in trouble.
But thanks for the shout out to my spaghetti and meatballs.
My favorite show is not Sea World. Because that’s not a show, ding dong. That’s an amusement park. Once again, if you were paying attention then you would remember that I neglect you to watch shows like “Grey’s Anatomy” and “Glee”.
What the f*ck with jumping in elevators??? Crack addict.
And that was my gift from the Tornado. Which was awesome and I loved. Then I found Benjamin’s gift to me and I was equally as pleased. It came in book form. Here is the cover…
Is that supposed to be me?????? What the hell????
Props to Benjamin for at least getting my hair color correct but damn, child! Why am I so bald and why do I have strands of hair busting out of the middle of my face? Jesus, I get it that I’m Puerto Rican but we don’t tend to sprout from our cheeks. And that looks an awful lot like a unibrow to me which would NEVER happen. Not in a million years. I also seem to have a moustache that falls unevenly over some jacked up lips and what looks like two buck teeth.
But he’s forgiven because apparently he chose ever single adjective available to describe me and I think that says a lot.
When I open the book, I see a poem…
Whew. Another bullet dodged. He called me “sweet” and “nice” which is ironic since he told me he hated me yesterday after I asked him to take a time out from the computer.
He also references cleaning twice. “She is a awesome cleaner.” Well, yes. Yes, I am. Because I have four children and I spoil them rotten. They don’t make their own beds. they don’t do dishes, they don’t take care of the pets and they don’t do chores. The only thing I ever ask them to do is pick up toys before bedtime and the day the housekeeper comes.
I know, it’s my fault. I recognize that. So yes, “I am a awesome cleaner”.
And here’s the last page of the book…
Again with the hair. Only this time I am rocking the big hair. Probably because I live in Dallas and the motto here is “the higher the hair, the closer to Jesus”. My ears are pretty crooked and I fancy myself the female version of the guy Sloth from the movie “The Goonies”. I’m probably holding a Baby Ruth candy bar somewhere behind my back. I can’t smell anything though because I don’t have a nose. Or hands apparently. That sucks.
Yet I am a giant compared to the child standing next to me. Probably Benjamin who is also lacking hands and feet and hair and a nose. Must be a genetic thing. He’s saying thanks to me for something and I apparently don’t understand either English or proper grammar because I answer “were welcome”.
Once again he makes up for it with his kind words. I do make cookies with the kids a lot and we prefer the batter to the baked. I do tuck him in bed at night and I make up imaginary stories about dragons who fart and whales who dance the hula. I do help him with his work even if I have to google the answers. Because it’s not as easy as you think to come up with ten words that end in -ine.
Happy Mothers Day to me. I love these presents. I couldn’t ask for anything better.