Let’s face it. I didn’t know any of the films up for nomination this year. I get five hours off every Tuesday and Thursday while all four kids are in school and it leaves me very little time to catch the latest independent flick.
Doesn’t stop me from watching The Oscars though.
Last year I saw all the nominees. And I only had one day off. But it was the first time I ever had one day a week off from my kids in over seven years and BY GOD I was going to know what in the hell was going on! This year. Meh. I wasn’t overly excited about the choices.
Save for the silent film “The Artist.” Because it was silent. You know…..quiet. No talking. But I didn’t even go to see that because if I had two hours of uninterrupted quiet, I would have paid $8 to fall asleep in my chair. And I can do that at home for free. I should know. I do it at home every night at around 9 :30 p.m.
No. I didn’t know the nominees but I still watched. I DVRed it so I could fast forward all of the lame acceptance speeches (save for Octavia Spencer where I cried like a little baby and wished I were a strong, black woman) and the boring awards for sound editing and best animated short film. Nobody cares.
We care about two things. The host and the dresses. Not necessarily in that order.
When I heard that Billy Crystal was going to take over the Oscar hosting, I was giddy. He’s the best. Eddie Murphy was originally slated to emcee the event but let’s face it. Eddie Murphy hasn’t been funny since he did the movie “Boomerang” and I remember being in high school when that came out. Twenty years ago. He’s a pretty good donkey though. Although I’m sure when he saw the end of his career, it wasn’t playing opposite a green ogre. Eddie Murphy would probably have messed it up. I would like to think he wouldn’t but we all saw “Daddy Day Care”.
Billy Crystal was just awesome. I don’t know why the academy would ever offer the job to anyone else. And throw enough money at an actor, they will do it. Every time. Because once again…we all saw “Daddy Day Care”. We know this to be true.
I don’t care about watching the red carpet before the show. My US magazine will give me the rundown later this week and most of the “important” people are announcers at some point. I can see what they’re wearing then. Besides, most actors aren’t very interesting people so listening to them talk about themselves is not my cup of tea. Ask Addison an open-ended question and you’ll get more exciting responses.
Besides. Do I want to listen to Angelina talk or do I want to jump back in horror when I see her pose on stage with one stick leg jutting out of her dress? Like a pale, sickly praying mantis. Christopher Plummer looked better than she did and he’s 84 years old. Honest to God, it made me less attracted to Brad Pitt. Dude, you’re shagging THAT? Really? THAT’S what you find attractive?
Or when the camera panned past Nick Nolte and I was instantly confused because Billy Crystal referred to him as Nick Nolte but I’m pretty sure he was Santa. I don’t know. The Oscars are crazy.
Call me morbid but I also like to watch the video montage of all the people we lost the year before. Apparently I am suffering from some memory lapse or I left the earth for an extended period of time because I completely forgot/didn’t know/didn’t remember that Elizabeth Taylor had died. Seriously, it was like someone just told me the news for the first time. Which in actuality is kind of what happened since once again I have no recollection of it happening the first time. And because I believe these people are friends of mine, I threw my hand up over my mouth, gasped and cried. “A Place in the Sun” is one of my favorite old-time movies. Go watch it. It’s phenomenal.
I love it all. The drama, the excitement, the pretentiousness. Just once I would love to be a seat filler. Or even stand outside the Kodak Theater and scream at the stars.
I’d scream at Angelina to eat a Big Mac.
