30 May

The End of School Year Meltdown

Posted by jennyasteele in Family, Parenthood. Tagged: , , , , , .

Team Steele has three more days of school left.  I am both relieved and terrified by this.

It will be absolute chaos here for the next three months with all four monkeys at home every single day.  Wanting things like food and attention…  How exhausting.  The decibel level in this house can get pretty high which leads to fun side effects like migraines and back tension and I predict we will kick off the summer with some sort of injury or disease.  Last year Jack was kind enough to break Carter’s right wrist so we’re going to need to at least top that.  Maybe this year we can get chicken pox.

However, I force myself to remember that we spent most of last summer lounging at the neighborhood pool.  Addison doing cannonballs into the shallow end, Jack staring at the girls underwater with his oversized swim mask (not creepy at all), Carter playing with toy animals on the steps and Benjamin practicing how long he can hold his breath.  Where’s Momma?  Momma is getting her tan on, behind a good book, occasionally peeking out to make sure everyone is still alive.  Occasionally.

We don’t have to set the alarm anymore.  We don’t have to pack the same school lunch everyday.  We don’t have to worry about homework or school projects or teacher appreciation week or field trip forms.  Ballet and cub scouts are on summer hiatus.

Game on.

But really what I’m most excited about is that the “End of School Year Meltdown” will be over.  Are you familiar?

My kids start crumbling around May 1st.  They are no longer interested in anything that has to do with school and getting them ready in the morning has been extended by 15-20 minutes at least.  Long gone are the days where they jump out of bed excited.  Now they are angry and combative when I try to wake them, hissing at me to leave them alone.

“I hate school.  School is so stupid.  It’s the most stupidest thing in the world.”

Hmmm…given that grammar, I would say it’s still necessary.

We roll off to the bus stop and they apparently seem to rally for the rest of the day.  Using all of their patience and good humor in class apparently because by the time they return home again, they have somehow morphed into assholes.

“Ok, boys, let’s grab your homework and knock it out before dinner.”

“WHAT?!  GOD!!!  I WAS JUST ABOUT TO FINISH THIS LEVEL IN LEGO STAR WARS!!!  I DON’T WANT TO DO HOMEWORK! I’M NOT DOING IT! YOU DO IT!”

Last week, I asked Jack to get out his yellow homework folder and he literally crumbled to the ground and started bawling.  At first I thought something must have happened at school and then I realized that he was just having a good old-fashioned toddler temper tantrum.  I sat there and stared at him for a while, intrigued.  Not quite sure what to make of this display coming from a kid almost nine years old.

“STOP LOOKING AT ME!! YOU’RE ALWAYS LOOKING AT ME!!”

Awesome.

In time, we find ourselves seated around the kitchenette table.  Homework papers out, pencils sharpened.  TV turned off so we can focus.

But it seems my boys have forgotten every single thing they have learned this entire school year because every single question on their paper seems to be the hardest one in the whole wide world.

“Benjamin, if you have two groups of ten apples and six apples left over, how many apples do you have all together?”

And Benjamin just starts to make shit up.

“24?”  he answers, in a high-pitched, inquisitive, “is that right? did I guess right?” kind of way.

“Benjamin, think about it.  Look at it again.”

“25?”

“Benjamin, c’mon.  Two groups of ten and six left over.  Look at it.  Think about it.”

Benjamin stares at the paper.  I know his mind is blank.  He’s done.  The end of the school year has crushed any remaining brain cells.  This is pointless.

“26?”

“Yes.  Let’s move on.”  Seriously.  If he doesn’t know it at this point….

Let’s face it.  I’m tired too.  I’m tired of the school projects and the book reports and the homework sheets and the art projects.  My brain isn’t capable anymore of explaining one more math problem or writing down more compound words.

I am equally dim-witted.

So here’s to the end of the school year and the meltdown that will continue to rear its ugly head for the next eight days.

29 May

A Change in Life Ain’t Pretty

Posted by jennyasteele in Message from the Writer.

I’m sad to say that things might be changing with the daily posts here at Life Ain’t Pretty.

The blog is almost one year old and I’ve been lucky enough to have the time, the content and the energy to put out a post Monday through Friday.  It’s been a great source of fun and enlightenment for me.  I have enjoyed all of it.  Even when I’m told that I am going to hell and that my children need to be prayed for thanks to my bad parenting.

Good times, good times.

But my personal life has taken a massive turn and I am no longer in a position to dedicate the time and energy that I need or want to.  In time, I will share with you the details.  Many of you already know and I appreciate the love and support that has been sent my way.  But many of you do not and it’s not the right time to explain.

Please forgive my vagueness.

I do hope to send out something once a week.  That is my plan.  Maybe on a Wednesday when we could all use a pick me up for the week.  I think it would be good for me to keep this going and I would hate for all of you who have been so loyal to walk away.

That would suck.

I have no plans to only post once a week forever.  I suspect that with the personal turn my life has taken that I will have a great deal of content to share with you in the future.  Funny, sad, eye-opening.  You name it.  I think we’ll get back on that horse soon enough.

But right now I have to dedicate my time elsewhere.

(Exhale.)

I have a number of drafts saved up and I will put those out there to finish out the next two weeks.  Then the second half of June I will post the top ten most viewed/most “talk worthy” posts of the year to celebrate my blog anniversary.

Then let’s just see what happens…..

I love you and I thank you.

24 May

Sarah Burge – The Human Barbie

Posted by jennyasteele in I Just Don't Understand, Parenthood, Thoughts and Observations on Life. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

Recently my friend,  Tina, sent me a link on Facebook about Sarah Burge.

Sarah Burge is a British mother of two who has spent over $800.000 in plastic surgery just so that she could transform herself into a human Barbie.  No, really.  A human Barbie.

Personally, I could care less if she spent twice as much money on plastic surgery.  Whereas I have one billion opinions as to why she’s putting herself through all this, it ultimately doesn’t affect me so meh.  Whatever.  She’s a grown up and can make her own decisions.

But…

Sarah Burge also has two daughters.  A seven-year old named Poppy and a fifteen year old named Hannah.  And the apple is falling dangerously close to her crazy tree.

The link Tina sent me lists five reasons why Sarah Burge might be the worst mom ever.

#1) “She promotes kids parties at Botox clinics”.  Okay.  First of all, my first reaction was to be grateful the parties weren’t at Scum-E-Cheese.  At least she was smart enough to know THAT would be inappropriate.  But Botox clinics?  Really?  for eight year olds?  Apparently Ms. Burge didn’t hand out real Botox treatments but instead provided spray tans and hair extensions.  Because what second grader shouldn’t look like a pussycat doll.

#2.) “She gave Poppy a liposuction voucher for Xmas.”  Fo shizzle?  I don’t know what confuses me more – a mother who gave her seven-year old plastic surgery or the fact that said present was worth $11,000.   Talk about setting the bar high for Santa next year!  And what’s scarier is that little Poppy “squealed in delight” at the gift.  Wow.  Just wow.  Lucky for all of us, Poppy can’t turn in this voucher for another 11 years which should give Child Protective Services plenty of time to try to undo the damage.

#3.)  And CPS will be busy because the human Barbie also gave Poppy “a boob voucher for her seventh birthday”.  Of course!  Why not!?  Because surely Poppy was all stocked up on squinkie dolls and bracelet making kits.  And I bet that Poppy is already concerned with her lack of voluptuous breasts given that she’s pre-pubescent and flat as a board.  My guess is that all the other first graders are filling up C-cups and Poppy feels like the odd man out.  I get it.  I get it.

#4.) “She taught her daughter to pole dance.”  Really.  This is just good parenting at this point.  As fucked up as these girls are going to with their self-esteem and distorted body images, it’s only a matter of time before they are working at Scores Night Club anyway.  Might as well get a head start on teaching them their future careers.

But before I move on to #5, please let me share that Sarah Burge was put off by the negative feedback regarding #4.  To quote, “it’s usually fat, ugly women who feel intimidated by me and criticize me for pole dancing with Poppy.”

Sarah Burge?  Met Samantha Brick.  Samantha Brick?  Met Sarah Burge.  I’m sure the two of you will have a lot to talk about.  You can start by competing over who is more beautiful immediately followed by who has the most haters in the world because you are so beautiful followed by who is the bigger victim.  3…2….1… Go!

#5)  “She injected her teenage daughter with Botox.”  Putting young Hannah on the record books as the youngest person ever to receive the treatment at fifteen years old.  Well, thank God.  Because Hannah was starting to look a little haggard with all those crow’s feet cluttering up her eyes.  Who would ask her to prom?  How will she ever get a date with wrinkles?  Oh wait, she knows how to pole dance.  Never mind.

C’mon, Sarah Burge!!!!  You can’t possibly be this shallow and narcissistic?  You can’t possibly be this bad a mother?!  Can you?!  I guess so.  I feel really badly for her daughters because all women grow up with self-esteem and body image problems even in the BEST circumstances.  I can’t even imagine taking it to the opposite extreme.

It’s a shame.  Really.

But the biggest shame of all is that Sarah Burge is doing all this body work, spending all this money, messing with both of her daughters just to look like a human Barbie.  So they will look like human Barbies too.

And why?

So she can date a gay man named Ken who wears ascots and booty shorts?

Good luck with that.

23 May

No Boundaries Fitness June Challenge

Posted by jennyasteele in Thoughts and Observations on Life. Tagged: , , , , , .

Here we go again.

Last month I took a health challenge created by my friend, Jill, who owns her own personal training company up in Denver, Colorado.  I posted about the challenge prior to it starting and a great number of you signed on to participate.  I had never taken her challenge before so I had no idea what to expect.  It was hard.  No doubt it was hard.  But I’m really glad I did it and I’m glad I’m doing it again.

To refresh your memory, the challenge goes like this-  You earn a certain number of points for doing activities that make you healthier.  Anything from eating breakfast in the morning to doing two consecutive minutes of planks each day.  Planks suck but they work your core and it makes you strong.  But they suck…… Did I mention they suck?  You can do as many of these daily challenges you want.  Maybe you don’t feel like giving up soda one day (or ever) and that’s fine.  You just don’t earn the points that day.

Then Jill gives you a list of activities, physical and non-physical, that you can do at any point during the thirty days.  Run bleachers for two consecutive hours or don’t eat meat one day out of each four weeks.  Again, you don’t have to do it but you earn points if you so.  I have a personal gripe about the bleachers.  Last month we only had to run one hour.  I got fifteen minutes into it and I was dying.  I literally would have rather given birth to a child without drugs than finish up that hour long activity.  But I did it.  And I will do the STUPID STUPID STUPID two hour bleacher run too.  Because I am determined.

Each Wednesday, Jill sends out a few extra activities to give you a chance to earn extra points.  It might be something physical like a certain number of leg squats or bicep curls.  It might be something health-related like replacing five items in your kitchen with healthier options.

Here’s the idea.  Jill wants you to challenge yourself.  Can you do it?  Can you take on doing 45 minutes of cardio each day?  Can you take a multivitamin every day?  Can you push your body?  Can you make smarter fitness choices?  It’s a personal challenge.  How healthy do you want to be and how dedicated are you to make it happen? And it’s on your honor.  No one is going to be looking over your shoulder if you do or don’t do anything on her list.  It’s completely up to you.

She does post numbers each week so you can see where you stand with other participating challengers.

I love that.

I am an extremely competitive person.  I love to throw down the gauntlet and love it even more when someone throws it down to me.  When I felt like bagging on a certain exercise last month…I’m looking at you, bleacher run…. I remembered the fun trash-talking that took place over Jill’s No Boundaries Fitness Facebook page.  I may not come in first but I certainly wasn’t going to come in last.  And last month I came in fourth.  This month I will do better.

I highly recommend you check it out.  Unless you are an Adonis, we could all use a little help getting into shape.  Unless you are perfect, we could all use reminders to make ourselves healthier with our choices.

And none of us are.

If you want to see more about what I’m talking about, check out Jill’s Facebook page under “No Boundaries Fitness”.  You can see the challenge, ask her questions and read past posts that show how fun this all was.  Or you can go to her website at www.noboundariesfitnessdenver.com.

The cost to enter the challenge is $10.  You can mail a cash or check to:

Jill Kingen

5302 Stuart Street

Denver, CO 80212

Just make sure she gets it no later than June 10th.

Or you can ask me about the challenge and I’ll tell you how great it is.  I’m excited to start again on June 1st.  I have some asses I need to kick this month and I’m looking forward to gloating when I win.

‘Cause that’s how I roll.

22 May

Champions, Cheerleading and Marriage

Posted by jennyasteele in Marriage. Tagged: , , , , .

I have decided that the most important thing about being in a relationship is championing your partner.

Sure, sure, sure.  There are a lot of important factors: trust, mutual respect, intimacy, empathy but I don’t think any of those are present unless you champion your partner.  And, by that, I mean that you should be your partner’s biggest cheerleader.  Be their biggest support system.

And that will bring out the very best in them.  And in yourself.

I think too many of us tend to be selfish in our lives.  We care more about our own needs, our own wants than the people we surround ourselves with.  And whereas sometimes that’s not only acceptable but appropriate (ahem, Mother’s Day), I think that when you love someone, when you are truly in love with someone, you care more about their happiness than your own.

Because seeing them happy, seeing them fulfilled should bring you happiness as well, should it not?

When you feel like you have a true partner in life, someone who not only approves but encourages you to be better, do better, you really do feel like you can do anything.  That’s what marriage should be about.  Having a rock of support.  Having a hand to hold.

It’s when we forget all this that marriage becomes difficult.

The wife who is thinking about going back to get her master’s degree even though she’s in her late thirties and it might take a while.  Is it more important to worry about who’s going to make dinner when she has to study or is it more important that she feels like she’s accomplished something for herself?

The husband who wants to start his own beer brewing business in the basement of the house with some buddies.  Is it more important to point out that every other man has the same dream or is it more important to let him have some fun, try something new with his friends?  If it works, great!  If not, who cares!?

I’m not sure why people don’t champion one another more often.  Especially married couples.

Because let me tell you, if you don’t champion your partner, they are going to get resentful.  They are going to get angry and disconnect their emotions.  They are going to pull away physically and mentally.

And where does that get you?

I hear a lot of women talk (and men) about complaints they have about their spouses.  I see it on Facebook and I hear about it at the occasional Ladies Night Out.

“My husband never tells me I’m pretty.  He’ll go on and on about so and so actress on TV but if I come home with a new haircut, he never notices.”

“I can never get my husband to plan anything.  If we do date night, if we go out with friends, it’s always because I have put forth the effort.  Not because he did anything.”

“My husband bitches about how much money I spend at the store.  He can go out and buy $200 worth of new tools but if I come home with a new throw pillow for the sofa, I’m gonna get an earful.”

And don’t get me wrong.  The same holds true for how wives treat their husbands.  A lot of men feel under appreciated, less respected than they should.  I have no doubt about that.

So….do you bring out the best in your partner?  Or do you bring out the worst?

Are you happiest around him or with your friends?  Are you more yourself around her or with your friends?  Do you go to him with your exciting news, your latest problem or do you pick up the phone and call someone else? Does your partner make you feel better or worse about yourself?

Who champions you the most?  Who is your rock?  Who is your biggest cheerleader?

Because if it’s not your spouse, that might be a big problem.  For both of you.

And that needs to lead to a big discussion.  A change in the way the marriage operates or whether it should exist.

Because we all should feel fulfilled.  Accomplished.  Supported.  Loved.  Respected.  Recognized.

And the first person who should do that is your spouse.

Anything less is settling for less.

21 May

My Mother’s Day School Assignments

Posted by jennyasteele in Family, Parenthood. Tagged: , , , , , .

So Addison and Benjamin both came home with Mother’s Day crafts for me the Friday before my day.  I have to share them with you because I find them not only to be delightful but hilarious.

Here is what Addison had to share….

Let’s break this down, shall we?

First of all, I am ten years old.  Which is AWESOME because Jack is almost nine years old.  I must have been one fertile toddler.  It must have been a bitch learning to walk and carry a child at the same time.  Secondly, what’s up with Addison saying that I have white hair?  So what if I do?  It’s her damn fault.  Trust me, I didn’t have white hair before she was born.  Thanks to her I have to stand in a towel every six to eight weeks dying my hair in the bathroom with L’Oreal’s dark mahogany #5.  Not cool.

Oh, and Addison?  I have blue eyes.  Not brown.  Blue.  Like yours.  But I don’t expect you to know that either since you never like to make direct eye contact with me as that means you are most likely in trouble.

But thanks for the shout out to my spaghetti and meatballs.

My favorite show is not Sea World.  Because that’s not a show, ding dong.  That’s an amusement park.   Once again, if you were paying attention then you would remember that I neglect you to watch shows like “Grey’s Anatomy” and “Glee”.

What the f*ck with jumping in elevators???  Crack addict.

And that was my gift from the Tornado.  Which was awesome and I loved.  Then I found Benjamin’s gift to me and I was equally as pleased.  It came in book form.  Here is the cover…

Is that supposed to be me??????  What the hell????

Props to Benjamin for at least getting my hair color correct but damn, child!  Why am I so bald and why do I have strands of hair busting out of the middle of my face?  Jesus, I get it that I’m Puerto Rican but we don’t tend to sprout from our cheeks.  And that looks an awful lot like a unibrow to me which would NEVER happen.  Not in a million years.  I also seem to have a moustache that falls unevenly over some jacked up lips and what looks like two buck teeth.

Dude.  Really?

But he’s forgiven because apparently he chose ever single adjective available to describe me and I think that says a lot.

When I open the book, I see a poem…

Whew.  Another bullet dodged.  He called me “sweet” and “nice” which is ironic since he told me he hated me yesterday after I asked him to take a time out from the computer.

He also references cleaning twice.  “She is a awesome cleaner.”  Well, yes.  Yes, I am.  Because I have four children and I spoil them rotten.  They don’t make their own beds. they don’t do dishes, they don’t take care of the pets and they don’t do chores.  The only thing I ever ask them to do is pick up toys before bedtime and the day the housekeeper comes.

I know, it’s my fault.  I recognize that.  So yes,  “I am a awesome cleaner”.

And here’s the last page of the book…

Again with the hair.  Only this time I am rocking the big hair.  Probably because I live in Dallas and the motto here is “the higher the hair, the closer to Jesus”.    My ears are pretty crooked and I fancy myself the female version of the guy Sloth from the movie “The Goonies”.  I’m probably holding a Baby Ruth candy bar somewhere behind my back.  I can’t smell anything though because I don’t have a nose.  Or hands apparently.  That sucks.

Yet I am a giant compared to the child standing next to me.  Probably Benjamin who is also lacking hands and feet and hair and a nose.  Must be a genetic thing.  He’s saying thanks to me for something and I apparently don’t understand either English or proper grammar because I answer “were welcome”.

BUT…..

Once again he makes up for it with his kind words.  I do make cookies with the kids a lot and we prefer the batter to the baked.  I do tuck him in bed at night and I make up imaginary stories about dragons who fart and whales who dance the hula.  I do help him with his work even if I have to google the answers.  Because it’s not as easy as you think to come up with ten words that end in -ine.

Happy Mothers Day to me. I love these presents.  I couldn’t ask for anything better.

17 May

Why Bears Make Camping Stupid

Posted by jennyasteele in Uncategorized.

My friend, Justin, thinks he’s a pretty funny guy.  He works down in Florida for the Fish and Wildlife Conservation so obviously his daily life includes run-ins with all sorts of animals. But that’s not why he’s a funny guy.  He’s a funny guy because he enjoys posting pictures and news articles of bear attacks on my Facebook wall.

Because he knows that I know that bears want to eat my face.

The latest photo shows a bear destroying a campsite. And honestly, I don’t blame the bear.  What were those dumb ass people doing hanging out in tents, cooking food out in the open when they knew bears were around?  Ooooohhhh, that’s right.  They were camping.  Dumb ass camping.  With bears.  Camping.

I will never go camping.  Just like I will never go bungee jumping or skydive out of a plane.  Because if you die doing any of those things, you have no one to blame but yourself.  If you decide to free fall from 10,000 feet in the air and your parachute fails to open, who’s fault is it really?  The parachute’s or the ding dong who felt the need to do something dangerous that day?

Same goes with camping.

If a bear decides to waddle its way around your tent at night because he was attracted to the smell of the cooking hot dogs you toasted over the fire four hours earlier and that bear decides to rip through the incredibly unprotective canvas tent that you are sleeping in so he can eat your face, who’s fault is it really?  The bear’s or the ding dong who felt the need to be closer to nature?

And what’s so great about camping anyway?

I’m crickety getting out of bed every morning and I sleep on a very comfortable king size mattress every night.  It takes me a good stretch and some wincing to ease out the back pain so I can shuffle to the bathroom in the morning.  I can only imagine the good night’s sleep I would get curled up in a nylon sleeping bag with a makeshift pillow on the cold, hard ground.    Not to mention they say the average person eats like twenty spiders in their sleep during a lifetime.  Um…I think they mean twenty campers.  Because I don’t sleep with my mouth open and I don’t see a lot of spiders crawling around the comfy confines of my bedroom.

I bet you campers eat a lot nastier things in their sleep than just spiders.  Because their mouths are six inches off the ground.  Filthy.

And there are no bathrooms.  Not if you’re a reeeallll camper.  Oh, that sounds like fun.  Let’s find some obscure shrub to crouch behind and hope that a bear doesn’t attack our bare ass.  That sounds especially fun for a girl who will need to position her squat verrrrrrrrry carefully so as to not pee all over her pants or shoes.  And that’s just peeing.  Forget anything else.

I ain’t squatting six inches from the ground and using some leaf to wipe my vajayjay.  Hell to the no.  The only time it’s acceptable to pee outside a proper bathroom is when you’ve left the bar at 2 a.m. after a night of heavy drinking and you find the nearest alley to violate.  THAT is perfectly acceptable.  Pee camping?  No.  Not so much.

And after I’ve eaten spiders in my sleep and left my bare ass exposed to the elements, I can also remember that camping is a pain in the ass.  Setting up a tent, building a fire,  organizing the campsite.  Of course I don’t know that any of this is annoying personally but I am making an educated guess based on my intelligence.  I certainly don’t see Doug having any fun when he prepares for his bi-annual cub scout camping trip with Jack and Benjamin.  But that’s just me.

Wouldn’t it be more fun to walk into a nice hotel where wait staff cater to your every needs?  Wouldn’t it be more fun to ring room service and order an overpriced shrimp cocktail and a ice cream sundae as opposed to stabbing a hot dog onto a stick and cooking it yourself over an open flame?

But really….wouldn’t it be more fun to go to bed knowing that a bear isn’t going to eat your face that night?

Camping?  I’ll pass.  And I’ve had people offer to take me.  Like somehow they’re going to be the one to show me how fun camping can be.  I prefer Justin’s method.  He thinks he’s a funny guy posting those bear attack articles but all he’s really doing is confirming what I already believed to be true.

 

16 May

50 Shades of Sex

Posted by jennyasteele in Thoughts and Observations on Life. Tagged: , , , , , .

A couple of months ago I went to a neighborhood bunko party and my friend, Bev, was there.  Bev, an avid reader like myself, was going on and on about this new book she was reading.  “Fifty Shades of Grey” by EL James.  An erotic love story about a wealthy man and his need to control the young woman he’s fallen for.

“Jenny, there is a scene on a boat where he has her wrists shackled to her ankles.”

Wha-wha-what???!!!!  My body springs to life like a meerkat.

But by the next day, I forget about the book.  Wrapped up with the rest of my life.

However, the book keeps rearing its ugly head.  I see a segment about it on The Today Show.  I read about its popularity on Facebook.  I see that it’s sold out in local book stores.

I am intrigued.

And then I go to the next neighborhood bunko party and Bev is still talking about this book.

“Jenny, you have to read this book.  I walked up to my husband and quoted a line from the book.  He told me I needed to go to church!”  FYI….Bev actually quoted the line to me and my jaw dropped.  That, my friends, is a rarity.

So this week I went to pick up “Fifty Shades of Grey”.

Oh. My. Gravy.

First of all, I am a fan of any well-written erotica.  Judith Krantz novels come to mind like  “I’ll Take Manhattan”.  Yes, yes she did.  She took Manhattan all right.  It’s that fine line of being just raunchy enough to get you hot and bothered but not so raunchy that you can’t imagine doing it yourself.  I’m not going to buy something that has Fabio plastered on the front cover.  It has to be a good story.  Believable.

And I can tell you that “Fifty Shades of Grey” is not a believable story.  The only 28 year-old billionaire that I can think of is Mark Zuckerberg and he is neither beautiful, charming, well-dressed nor exotic.  Secondly, the story is about an awkward, 22 year-old virgin who meets this man once in an interview and they feel an instant connection.

Whatever.  I call bullshit.

This chick apparently does something to the millionaire’s psyche which is already messed up due to some traumatizing past that we don’t know about really.  Now he’s torn for his need to bang her into submission and his want to love her.

Whatever.  I call bullshit.

And she’s a virgin who all of a sudden is willing to experiment with nipple clamping and butt beads.

Whatever I call bullshit.

But here’s the thing……

This E L James.  This British writer.  This mother of two absolutely nails the fantasy.  I mean that literally and figuratively.  She absolutely nails the fantasy.

And that’s why this book is a New York Times bestseller.

Because who doesn’t want to believe in love at first sight?  Who doesn’t want to believe in the Adonis billionaire?  What woman doesn’t want to believe that she is so special, so unique that will be the one to turn this broken man into the man of her dreams?

Wow.

And the sex scenes?  Again…. Oh. My. Gravy.

I would like to personally congratulate any writer who begins the steamy romance with the need to incorporate a written contract between the two parties.  Apparently Mr. Christian Grey is so dominating in his sexual needs that he requires his lovers to sign a waiver, an agreement to allow him to perform different acts.

Oh. My Gravy.

I would also like to personally congratulate any writer who doesn’t hit her peak too early in the book (every pun intended) and keeps the sexual momentum building throughout.  It’s constant and it never gets dull.   * No need to bookmark the pages like you do in your other romance novels, ladies!  You can pretty much pick a spot randomly and you’re good to go!

I read that book and I feel like I need a cigarette.

The best part about it is that there are two more books in the series so I can once again walk into Target, pull one off the shelf and take it to the checkout counter where some nineteen year old boy can ring me up.   Probably the 80th housewife that day to do so.

So thank you, Fifty Shades of Grey.  I’m going to give you five stars on goodreads.com.

And thank you, Bev.  See you in church.

15 May

My Wrap Up to Disneyworld

Posted by jennyasteele in Family, Thoughts and Observations on Life. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

Ok, so we spent seven days at the “happiest place on Earth” and for the most part, it sucked.  Disney is not a fun spot for grown-ups.  Not really.  It’s crowded, there’s an infestation of children running around, it’s pretty cheesy and it’s crazy expensive.  Not my idea of a vacation.  My idea of a vacation would be an all-inclusive, no kids allowed, beach resort where someone brought you a drink with an umbrella before you even knew you needed one.

That, my friends, is magical.

But I will admit that there were a few rides at Disney that tickled me.  A few that made up for the “It’s a Small World”.

The first being the Haunted Mansion.  I loved that ride the first time I went to Disney about ten years ago.  Thought it was fantastic then and thought it was fantastic again this time around.  Maybe it’s because I have this strange fascination with the supernatural and I get off on seeing dancing ghost couples spinning around a ballroom.  But it made my Magical Kingdom day.  That and when we happened to pass by the dude who was pretending to be Captain Jack Sparrow.  The dude who was a spot on doppelgänger for Johnny Depp.  The dude I stopped dead in my tracks for and had to wipe drool off the side of my lip.  I had very dirty thoughts watching that man.  Very dirty, pirate thoughts.

The second was the Jungle Safari ride at Animal Kingdom.  That park itself sucked.  Worst park ever.  But the safari ride put me within ten feet of a giraffe which is by far my most favorite animal in the world.  It was all I could do not to jump out of the open bus and grab the animal by the neck in delight.  Instead, I spoke to it.  Because I speak giraffe. And I told him how he could come live with me at my house in my backyard and I would love him more than my children.  I know he heard me too.  He stood there, chewing a leaf but I know he heard me.  He was mulling it over.

At Hollywood Studios, I went on the Star Tours ride with my three eldest.  Usually I was the one benched outside with Carter when he was too short to ride but this time I went on.  Because it was one of those flight simulator rides and I squeal like a little girl in those.  The minute we were jet into light speed, I was laughing hysterically and making unnatural squeaking noises.  I have no clue, no idea if my children enjoyed that ride as much as I did because I don’t think I looked at them once.  Eventually I discovered that they dug it because Doug was able to swap out Carter and go on with them immediately afterwards.  The second ride they apparently went underwater.  I was bummed to miss that.

Epcot is another park that falls short compared to the others.  The only thing Epcot has going for it is the semicircle of different countries where you can buy all sorts of mixed beverages from German beer to Mexican margaritas to French champagne.  Unfortunately, that’s hard to do when you’re wrangling four small children who are over-tired and hyper-stimulated.  My saving grace moment at this park was not a ride but a show.  It was the Captain EO show with Michael Jackson.  The cheesy, 1984, 3-D classic that has him dancing out the magic to a wicked queen played by Angelica Houston.  I was instantly 10 years old again.  And instantly back in love with Michael Jackson who was still a black man then and was rocking the leather.  The moves, the music, the story couldn’t have been more 80s if it tried.  I could have stayed there allllll day.

My kids will never understand that show.  They will never fully appreciate it.  No matter how much they love MJ now.

The rest of the stuff?  Meh.  I could take it or leave it.  My kids had fun and really that’s all Disneyworld should be about.  Watching them screech in delight or jump up and down with excitement was enough of a thrill for me.  But I do thank each of the four parks for giving me something delightful of my own to enjoy.

Happy trails, Disneyworld.

14 May

Dining Out 21 Times

Posted by jennyasteele in Family, Parenthood. Tagged: , , , , , , .

Our Disneyworld vacation lasted a week.  That’s 21 meals that I didn’t have to cook.  But 21 meals where my children had to eat in public. At a restaurant.

Not good, people.  Not good.

First let me share that the day we checked in, our room wasn’t ready yet.  It was lunch hour anyway so we headed down to one of the hotel restaurants to grab something to eat.  Five minutes later,  Addison was in time-out in the corner.  At the restaurant.  With people watching.  Why?  Not because she was using her knife to try to cut her crayons into pieces after being asked repeatedly to stop.  Not because she was sticking her straw up her nose and trying to blow it out onto Carter.  No.  She was forced into time-out because she is a screamer.  And her screeching can peel paint off the walls.  So when Carter accidentally touched one of her crayons and she shrieked in horror, we had to put her in the corner.

Because nothing says “let’s go on vacation!” like kicking it off with a public time-out.

Only 20 more meals like this to go.

Breakfast wasn’t so bad.  The hotel had a massive breakfast buffet each morning and my kids ate like champions.  But I quickly realized that they didn’t have a clue about buffet etiquette.  Not one clue.  As I walked around with Jack asking him which items he’d like on his plate, he decided that he needed to put his hands on everything.  I caught him picking out some chocolate chips from a muffin while I spread cream cheese on his bagel.

“What are you doing?!  You can’t do that!  You have to take that now.  You touched it.”

“But I don’t want the whole thing.  I just wanted the chips.”

“Doesn’t work like that, kiddo.”

But that’s when I decided not to eat anything that any child might find appetizing.  Because chances are that they put their grubby, booger-stained fingers all over the food as well.  So I stuck to yogurt with granola and melon slices.  I felt pretty confident in that.

I was amazed at how people respond to a buffet.  Gee, would you like some breakfast with that bacon?  Plates were loaded like it was the last supper.  Especially my kids who discovered Fruit Loops.

“Can we have this at home?!  This is AWE-SOME!”

And although Fruit Loops are by far my favorite cereal too, we don’t allow sugared cereal at home.  That’s a vacation treat.  I mean, can you imagine the shit that would go down if I sent Addison to preschool hopped up on Fruit Loops?!  We’d be kicked out.  Guar-an-teed.

Breakfast was also the only meal we could get Carter to eat.  The other two meals were a battle.  He’d ask for a cheeseburger every time.  No matter which meal and once he’d get it, he’d start whining and pushing the plate away.

“I don’t LIKE this cheesebuh-guh! I don’t WANT it!  I want banana!”

Dude.  Enough with the bananas.  You won’t crap for a week if we continue to give you four a day.

So instead the kid ate ketchup burgers.  You know.  Just the buns with ketchup in between.  No meat.  No cheese.  Ketchup burgers at Disneyworld.  That will cost you $13.00.

Fantastic.

And of course we never finished our meals at the same time so Mama J has to get creative with keeping the kiddos occupied while we wrap it up.

“Let’s play the silent game!” and my kids ears perk up.  Because they love this game.

At the count of three, everyone has to go silent.  The last one to talk is the winner.  Only you’re allowed to make crazy faces at one another, do some miming, pretend to throw up.  Things like that.

Carter always falls out first.  Shocker.  He has no concept of the rules and he always loses by shouting out “I WIN!”.  Kind of an oxymoron.  Jack is an easy laugher like me so one of us can usually get him by shoving french fries in our ears or pretending to choke.  He’ll laugh and spend the rest of the game moping because he lost.  Benjamin can last a bit but he always ends up saying something by accident.

So it always comes down to me and Addison.  She’s surprisingly excellent at this game.  You can’t break her.  She can last forever. And so can I.

And that’s how we finish the meal on a good note.  In silence.

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